This interview features insights from our family and couples therapist, Hana Kone, who shares thoughtful perspectives on the complexities of infidelity, relationships, and human connection. Through a series of questions, they explore the roots of infidelity, its impact on partnerships, and the nuances of topics like monogamy, forgiveness, and open relationships.

Does infidelity truly indicate that something is wrong in a relationship?

Despite the common belief that people may cheat even when happy in a relationship, infidelity often signals issues within the relationship. It undermines two fundamental pillars of a healthy partnership: commitment and trust.

Is infidelity natural for humans? Did monogamy come later?

Polygamy, as seen in some cultures and throughout history, largely resulted from specific economic and cultural needs of different societies. I don’t believe monogamy or polygamy is inherently “natural” for us; rather, they are personal choices made by each individual.

If a “mistake” happens, such as a one-time infidelity due to being drunk, is it better to tell the partner or keep it to oneself?

This is also a personal choice each of us makes based on our own morality, how well we know our partner, our inner strength, and fear. Both options have their pros and cons. If we tell our partner about the infidelity, we must be prepared for the possible consequences and the work required to rebuild the trust that was destroyed. At the same time, by confessing, we allow space for new trust to be created and open up communication about what led to the infidelity. If we choose to hide the infidelity, we spare ourselves and our partner the pain, but we must be ready to deal with our own guilt and the fact that we are keeping a secret that doesn’t belong in a healthy relationship. I would certainly argue that if the partner suspects or confronts us about the infidelity, it is crucial not to lie. By lying, we engage in what is called gaslighting—a manipulative technique that is extremely harmful to any healthy relationship and the integrity of the person being cheated on.

What are the most common causes of infidelity?

There can be endless reasons. If you’re asking about the most common ones I see with couples, they include a lack of emotional connection, alienation, poor or conflict-ridden communication, and unmet personal needs. Couples go through cycles of crisis, and during these times, the risk of infidelity increases.

Is infidelity really a reason to break up? How can you forgive a partner who has cheated?

Infidelity doesn’t have to lead to a breakup; it can initiate a process toward a stronger relationship if both partners are willing to work through it, forgive, and use it as a chance to grow together. Forgiving and rebuilding trust is not easy, and both partners must commit to the effort. This process relies on the cheating partner ending the affair and patiently working to restore trust.

What reasons most often lead partners to infidelity?

As I mentioned before, there can be many reasons, but I would always summarize them into two categories: lack of emotional closeness and lack of communication. For example, when a partner says that a lack of sex led to infidelity, we likely end up talking about inadequate communication regarding sexual needs (whether those needs were not expressed, not heard by the partner, not taken seriously, or not reached through a well-communicated compromise). Again, we are discussing that when our needs are not expressed or heard in a relationship, it affects emotional closeness and the safety of the relationship.

Is it true that men handle infidelity better than women?

I consider this a myth. I’m not aware of any research supporting it. In fact, in my experience, men often struggle more and take longer to come to terms with their partner’s infidelity. Both genders can suffer deeply, sometimes experiencing depression or even symptoms of post-traumatic stress. Much depends on an individual’s personal values, disposition, and the cheating partner’s attitude.

What do you think about open relationships?

Open relationships are increasingly popular. They can meet needs for novelty, excitement, and personal fulfillment, which can also be found in monogamous relationships but often to a lesser extent. The foundation of a successful open relationship is emotional closeness, trust, confidence, and complete communication. Many couples have struggled when they chose to open their relationship. There’s always a risk that one partner may form a stronger emotional bond with someone else and neglect the original relationship emotionally, physically, or energetically. If one partner doesn’t meet the other’s needs or fails to communicate openly, what initially seemed like a good idea can lead to distrust, secrecy, disappointment, and, eventually, alienation.