Valentine’s Day—some people love it, others dismiss it entirely. No matter where you stand, for the next week or so, you’ll be surrounded by heart-shaped chocolates, oversized teddy bears, and endless reminders to celebrate love. But what if we took this holiday as an opportunity for something deeper?
Instead of buying into the commercial side of Valentine’s Day, let’s use it as a reminder of something truly valuable: giving our undivided attention and quality time to the people who matter most.
The Gift of Presence
In today’s world, distractions are everywhere. Phones buzz, schedules are packed, and time together often means sitting side by side while scrolling separate screens. Our culture pushes the idea of productivity, commeratialism and constant streaming of our activities. Let’s counteract that with being more intentional about how we spend time with loved ones.
Psychiatrist Dr. Bruce Perry and renowned author Dr. Gabor Maté have both emphasized the crisis of disconnection in modern society. As we become more isolated from each other we experience heightened levels anxiety, depression, loneliness and sense of being lost. The most precious gift we can offer isn’t material—it’s our presence, our attention, and our time. As Dr. Bruce D. Perry said, “It is in the small moments, when we feel the other person fully present, fully engaged, connected, and accepting, that we make the most powerful, enduring bonds.”
Research from the Gottman Institute supports this idea through the concept of “bids for connection.” Dr. John Gottman’s studies show that even small, everyday attempts to connect—such as sharing a moment, asking a question, or offering affection—build stronger, lasting relationships. The key isn’t just making a bid for connection but also recognizing and responding to them. When we are present, we notice these bids and strengthen our emotional bonds.
The Mindful Love Jar
Here’s a challenge for you: Be inspired by Valentine’s Day, but go beyond just one day of celebration. Let it be a reminder to prioritize meaningful time and social connections—consistently.
To make this easier (and more fun!), create a Mindful Love Jar. Fill it with simple, free, and emotionally nourishing activities that you can do with your partner, family, friends, or even by yourself. Whenever you need a connection boost, pull out a slip and take action!
How to Create a Mindful Love Jar
- Grab a jar or container.
- Print or write out activity strips (see some of my ideas below!).
- Cut them out and place them in the jar/container
- Whenever you need a mindful moment, pick one and do it!
1. Sunset or Sunrise Walk
- Couples: Hold hands, be fully present, and share one thing you love about each other.
- Families: Turn it into a scavenger hunt—who can spot the most birds or interesting clouds?
- Individuals: Walk in silence, focusing on your breath and surroundings.
- Friends: Meet up for a sunrise/sunset walk and share something you appreciate about your friendship.
It’s hard to argue with how simple yet powerful this idea can be! By now, we all know that spending time in nature and engaging in physical activity come with countless benefits. One major perk? A calming effect on the nervous system. And according to research, true presence and connection are only possible when we’re in an emotionally regulated state (seeking support from a stressed-out person is like trying to hug a hedgehog—possible, but you probably won’t walk away unscathed). If you’d like to read more about stress or regulating your emotion, I linked the articles here.
Plus, being outdoors naturally removes distractions—no screens, no constant interruptions, no looming to-do lists. For some people, especially kids, conversations flow more easily when they’re moving around or facing the same direction rather than sitting in an enclosed space.
2. Gratitude Exchange
- Couples: Take turns sharing 3 things you appreciate about each other.
- Families: Go around the table and have each person share one thing they’re grateful for.
- Individuals: Write a gratitude list for the day, focusing on small joys.
- Friends: Send a message to a friend letting them know why you appreciate them.
Research from the University of California, Berkeley, and Dr. Robert Emmons has found that gratitude journaling boosts happiness, strengthens relationships, and even improves sleep quality by promoting positive emotions before bed. Neurologically, practicing gratitude activates the brain’s dopamine and serotonin pathways, reinforcing feelings of joy and connection. Over time, this habit can lead to greater resilience, lower anxiety, and improved emotional regulation.
Gottman’s research, conducted over decades in his “Love Lab,” showed that couples who maintained a 5:1 ratio (five positive interactions for every negative one) were far more likely to stay together. In contrast, couples with a ratio closer to 1:1 or worse had a much higher risk of relationship dissatisfaction and divorce. Reflect on your ratio and consider incorporating gratitude exchanges into your routine—not only with your partner but also with family and friends!
3. Memory Sharing Night
- Couples: Look through old photos and reminisce about favorite moments together.
- Families: Share funny or meaningful family stories from childhood.
- Individuals: Reflect on a happy memory and write about why it’s special.
- Friends: Swap old pictures and tell funny or heartfelt stories from your time together.
Revisiting happy memories activates the brain’s reward system, boosting dopamine and serotonin levels, which in turn elevate mood and reduce stress. A study published in Emotion found that nostalgic memories act as a psychological buffer against stress and loneliness, reminding us of times when we felt loved, successful, or joyful.
Dr. John Gottman’s research highlights that couples in long-term conflict often “rewrite” their relationship history to reflect their current negative emotions. This is part of what he terms Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)—a state where negativity is so pervasive that even neutral or positive interactions are perceived negatively. Revisiting positive memories—whether through old photos, videos, or simply recalling happy moments—can help shift this perspective.
4. At-Home Spa Night
- Couples: Give each other a massage or foot rub, light candles, and relax.
- Families: DIY spa night—face masks, hand massages, and warm foot soaks!
- Individuals: Treat yourself to a self-care night with a warm bath and calming music.
- Friends: Have a self-care night together—face masks, herbal tea, and good conversation.
An at-home spa night isn’t just a luxurious treat—it comes with real, science-backed benefits. Activities like warm baths, massages, and aromatherapy activate the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which helps counteract stress and promote relaxation. When we shift into this calm state, we regulate our emotions more effectively, reducing anxiety and fostering deeper emotional connections.
Physical touch—whether it’s a massage, hand-holding, or even a cozy foot soak—triggers the release of oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone.” Research from the Kinsey Institute and the University of California shows that couples who incorporate regular physical touch experience greater relationship satisfaction and emotional closeness.
Bonus points if you turn this into a ritual! According to Dr. John Gottman, couples who engage in small, positive rituals—like an at-home spa night—build stronger emotional bonds and long-term stability.
5. Create a Feel-Good Playlist & Dance
- Couples: Put together a playlist of meaningful songs and dance in your living room.
- Families: Have a dance party—each person picks a favorite song!
- Individuals: Create a playlist of uplifting songs and dance freely.
- Friends: Make a shared playlist and have a virtual or in-person dance session.
This is another point that, in my opinion, speaks for itself. It’s hard to find anyone who hasn’t experienced the mood-altering power of music. However, if you need further justification, science is on our side. Listening to uplifting music and dancing stimulates the production of dopamine and serotonin, the brain’s “feel-good” neurotransmitters. This results in a better mood, reduced stress, and an overall sense of happiness. Additionally, music and dance allow us to be fully present in the moment, helping us express emotions that may be hard to articulate, making them powerful tools for emotional regulation.
6. Deep Conversation / Reflection Night
- Couples: Use prompts like “What’s something you’ve never told me?”
- Families: Take turns sharing a favorite memory or personal story.
- Individuals: Journal about deep reflections, such as “What do I need more of in my life?”
- Friends: Ask meaningful questions like “What’s a challenge that made you stronger?”
As the Gottmans say, every love story is a never-ending conversation. This perspective extends beyond romantic relationships—it applies to all meaningful connections in our lives, including those with our children, friends, and even ourselves. As people grow and evolve, staying curious and continuously updating our understanding of one another is essential. Thoughtful questions not only strengthen our bonds but also foster deeper connection and appreciation.
If you’re ever unsure where to start, explore the Gottman Card Decks free mobile app, especially the Love Maps section, for inspiration!
7. Cooking/Baking Together
- Couples: Pick a new recipe, cook together, and make it a screen-free experience.
- Families: Let each member take on a role in preparing a meal together.
- Individuals: Try a new recipe just for yourself and enjoy the process mindfully.
- Friends: Host a potluck night where everyone makes a dish together.
If you’re someone who cooks daily or prepares meals for the entire family, you’re probably all too familiar with how repetitive, frustrating, and sometimes overwhelming it can feel. On top of that, we’re bombarded with conflicting messages about what and how we should eat. So, if you’re looking for some extra motivation today to stay on track, here are a few things to consider.
Studies show that collaborative activities like cooking together release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which boosts trust, intimacy, and connection. Cooking as a team requires coordination, problem-solving, and shared decision-making, all of which strengthen cooperative skills and communication. According to Gottman’s research on relationships, couples who work together on everyday tasks—like preparing meals—tend to have more positive interactions and deeper emotional connections.
For families, research from The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University shows that children who eat regular family meals are more likely to develop strong family bonds and emotional well-being. Meal preparation encourages collaboration between parents and children, fostering improved listening skills and patience. Kids who participate in cooking are also more likely to adopt healthy eating habits and develop self-confidence. Regular family meals create a predictable and secure environment, helping children build emotional security and resilience.
Additionally, cooking together provides a chance for meaningful conversations and can lay the foundation for other positive habits, like gratitude exchanges or reflection nights.
8. Learn Something New / Develop a Skill
- Couples: Sign up for a free online course together.
- Families: Pick a new hobby to try as a group (drawing, cooking, etc.).
- Individuals: Dedicate time to practicing something you’ve always wanted to learn.
- Friends: Challenge each other to learn a new skill and check in on progress.
Studies, including those by Dr. Arthur Aron, show that couples who engage in novel and challenging activities together experience a surge in dopamine and norepinephrine, the same chemicals involved in early-stage romantic attraction. This helps recreate the excitement and spark of new love, strengthening emotional connection. Collaborating on a shared goal fosters teamwork and mutual support, leading to a stronger sense of unity. According to Gottman’s research, couples who build “a shared meaning system” (like learning and growing together) are more resilient and deeply connected.
If you’re trying something new as a couple or a family, it will often require to communicate, adapt, and problem-solve together. There’s also a chance for a bit of fun, as engaging in new activities together can introduce laughter and lightheartedness, reducing stress and improving relationship dynamics. Trying something new creates unique, joyful memories, strengthening fondness and admiration, which are key predictors of long-term relationship success according to Gottman’s studies.
Continuous learning promotes mental flexibility and personal growth, which leads to greater resilience in relationships. Partners who challenge themselves together tend to develop a growth mindset, making them more adaptable to life’s inevitable ups and downs.
Deepen Your Connection with Our Expert Guidance
If you like ideas presented in the article and you’re looking to strengthen your relationship even further, consider joining our couples counseling sessions. We also host interactive workshops, designed to help you improve communication, deepen emotional intimacy, and build lasting love, all backed by science-based techniques. Whether you’re looking to reconnect, navigate challenges, or simply invest in your bond, our workshops provide practical tools and insights tailored to your unique relationship. Stay tuned for upcoming dates or reach out directly athello@silverliningtherapy.coif you’d like more details now.
And if currently engaged and looking for a non-religious Marriage Preparation Course – we have one on offer that might interest you.
Sources & Studies
- Aron, A., et al. (2000). “Couples’ shared novel and challenging activities and experienced relationship quality.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.
- Found that engaging in new and exciting activities together increases relationship satisfaction by boosting dopamine and norepinephrine levels.
- Fiese, B. H., & Schwartz, M. (2008). “Reclaiming the family table: Mealtimes and child health and well-being.” Social Policy Report, 22(4), 3–20.
- Demonstrated that family meals contribute to stronger emotional bonds, better communication, and healthier eating habits in children.
- Fredrickson, B. L. (2013). Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become. New York: Hudson Street Press.
- Explores how shared positive experiences, such as cooking or dancing together, foster emotional connection and long-term relationship health.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Harmony Books.
- Introduced the 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, showing that successful couples maintain five positive interactions for every negative one.
- Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the Love Lab. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
- Discussed how couples who reframe their relationship history negatively can get trapped in a cycle of resentment and dissatisfaction.
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). “Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review.” PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
- Found that strong social connections significantly increase longevity and overall well-being.
- Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K., et al. (2010). “Marital interactions and immune function: Research in health and behavior.” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 35(1), 47–54.
- Showed that positive interactions between partners reduce stress, improve immune function, and enhance emotional well-being.
- Maté, G. (2019). Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. New York: Penguin Random House.
- Discussed the crisis of disconnection in modern society and the importance of undivided attention in relationships.
- Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2017). The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook. New York: Basic Books.
- Explored how consistent, nurturing interactions help regulate the nervous system and strengthen relationships.
- The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University. (2012). “The Importance of Family Dinners VIII.”
- Found that regular family meals reduce the risk of substance abuse, depression, and poor academic performance in children and adolescents.
- University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center (2018). “The Benefits of Touch in Relationships.”
- Explained how physical touch (such as massages or hugs) increases oxytocin, reduces stress, and strengthens emotional bonds.
- Zatorre, R. J., Chen, J. L., & Penhune, V. B. (2007). “When the brain plays music: Auditory-motor interactions in music perception and production.” Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 8(7), 547–558.
- Found that music and dance stimulate dopamine release, improving mood, connection, and emotional bonding between individuals.
